i am not a stranger to the dark. “hide away,” they say, “cause we don’t want your broken parts”. i’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars – “run away,” they say, “no one will love you as you are.”
these lyrics hit me at a really huge time in my life…which is right now. without going into too much detail, i’ve been going through a weird kind of identity crisis. for the entirety of my life – or at least for as long as i can remember – i have never been ashamed of who i am. i have always prided myself in being a little different. a little outside of the box.
for some reason i gradually decided that who i am was too much for people to handle. i was a little embarrassed by my strong personality and was afraid that it came off as too forceful. i put away the parts of me that seemed a little too commanding, and the parts that spoke up a little too loudly, and the parts that shone a little too brightly. i’m sure no guy would ever want a girl like that, i thought to myself. it seemed like a pretty rational thing to do. without realizing it, i was hiding the parts of myself that i loved and treasured the most. the parts that made me, me.
things happened. people changed. i changed. and at the end of the day, when i was alone at night in bed, the allison that i knew and loved wasn’t there anymore. i remember one night specifically when tears dripped onto my pillow and i prayed “God, i can’t remember who i am anymore”. and in the stillness, in the silence, memories flooded my brain. memories of a girl who was never ashamed of who she was and who wasn’t afraid to be herself – authentically and unapologetically. i recalled 1 peter 2:9, which i had just read in my devotion that morning:
“but you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for His possession, so that you may proclaim the praises of the One who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light”
and then i remembered who i was – who i am.
i am a strong woman who has no time or space to be silent. i am a strong woman who is not afraid to boldly approach her calling in Christ and who is not afraid to boldly proclaim the praises of the One who called her into marvelous light. i am a strong woman who will protect the widow and the orphan with every breath she has. i am a strong woman who will refuse to let the world silence her.
i read this quote today that i absolutely loved: “and one day she discovered that she was fierce, and strong, and full of fire, and that not even she could hold herself back because her passion burned brighter than her fears.”
i don’t know who’s reading this, or if anyone will. but if you do, i hope you are reminded that you do not have to be ashamed of who you are. i hope you can understand that you do not have time to let this grey world try to drain the color out of you. i hope you can go out and shine so much that even the brightest of suns has to shield its eyes.
oh & by the way, the right person will come along and they will absolutely adore all of the fire inside of you. and if they don’t, they are missing out on the best parts of you. don’t let that stop you. keep on marching forward and shine on.
be you. bravely.
when the sharpest words wanna cut me down, i’m gonna send a flood, i’m gonna drown them out. i am brave, i am bruised, i am who i’m meant to be – this is me. look out cause here i come, and i’m marching on to the beat i drum. i’m not scared to be seen, i make no apologies – T H I S I S M E.